


you can hear it in the silence

by stealthebuttons



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 12:24:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2850761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stealthebuttons/pseuds/stealthebuttons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They said he ran into Kaiju attack zones when everyone else was fleeing. Listening to the too-even tone of his voice and looking at the scars on his arms, she could believe it.</p><p>Pacific Rim AU. Felicity and Diggle were drift compatible from the start; everything else came later.</p><p>(Xmas present for the wonderful beautiful Ella! Merry Christmas darling!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i think i am finally clean

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SmoakScreen (midwestwind)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/midwestwind/gifts).



The Jaeger was beautiful, Felicity realised, in its own way. Less heavily armoured than some of its predecessors, it allowed for greater agility and manoeuvrability; it had been developed in the immediate aftermath of the Mexico attack, where the Kaiju’s speed had overwhelmed the Jaeger’s ability to combat it. This was a Mark 4; long arms and legs and a compact torso, all covered in a deep green that made her think of moss-covered trees and the smell of pinecones.

It intimidated her. The longer she looked up at it the smaller she felt.

“Hey.”

His voice was soft but it made her jump anyway, uncrossing her legs and leaping up from the bay floor. She swatted awkwardly at the dirt on her jeans.

“Hey, John.” Her voice was too high and her smile was strained. “I’m sorry, I was just – I didn’t, I didn’t hear you. I mean, I heard you say ‘hey’ just now, I just didn’t hear you until – until you were close. Hi.”

He was smiling back at her, a relaxed smile that quieted some of the butterflies in her stomach. Some, not all. “It’s OK. I’m sorry I startled you.”

He tilted his head and squinted up at the Jaeger, still smiling. _He looks so calm_ , Felicity thought miserably. _It doesn’t scare him at all_.

“Do you mind if I join you?”

Before she could answer, he lowered himself to the floor, sitting cross-legged as she had been a moment ago and smiling up at her just as he had at the Jaeger. After a pause, she scrambled to join him, leaving a foot of space between them. She fidgeted with the frayed laces on her sneakers, immensely conscious of how still and serene John was.

“You don’t have to be nervous,” he said. His voice was as low and gentle as before, and it still made her jump. “You were great today.”

Felicity huffed a little, dropping her head. “No, I wasn’t,” she murmured.

John turned towards her, not just his head but his whole body shifting to face her. Her eyes snapped to his as though they were magnetised. _Maybe this is how it’ll be_ , she thought suddenly, _now that we’ve drifted together. We’ll always be drawn back to each other._

“Yes you were, Felicity,” he said. “I dropped you into this with no preparation and barely any warning, and you stayed calm and finished the exercise. I’ve seen people crumble their first time in a Jaeger, people that went on to become top pilots.” He leaned in a little closer. His face was so earnest it made her chest tighten. She was fairly sure no one had ever looked at her with such sincerity, such faith. When he reached over and laid a hand atop hers, her breath caught in her throat.

She shifted backwards abruptly, turning her attention back to the Jaeger and trying to slow her breathing.

“Felicity?”

She closed her eyes, not daring to look at him. “You know I’m not made for this,” she whispered. “You know better than anyone.”

He was silent for a long moment, and Felicity could practically hear him replaying their Jaeger exercise in his head. Initiating the neural bridge had knocked the wind out of her, images of combat she’d never seen and grief she’d never known pounding through her head and leaving her trembling, gasping for air and powerless against the tears streaming down her face. Even after she’d become accustomed to the mental link, she’d barely stopped shaking for the entire exercise, fighting the memories that tried to force themselves to the forefront of her mind and recoiling from those that weren’t hers.

Before San Francisco, she’d always thought that spiders were her biggest fear. But even while the shaky footage of Trespasser tearing through the Golden Gate Bridge still haunted her nightmares, she’d never imagined the frantic, blinding terror of another person looking into her soul and finding it, as she’d always suspected it was, lacking. The pulsing fear that he would look straight into the heart of her and see all the bitterness she tried so hard to quell, all the anger and hate and petty resentment that she could never let go of, and he would turn away because he could see what Felicity saw in the mirror, what she saw when she finally opened her eyes and gazed up at the Jaeger. How very, wretchedly small she was.

“I lost my brother in Tokyo.”

Felicity wondered if he could ever lose that calm in his voice. She turned to him then, and his eyes were still locked on the hand she’d snatched away.

“We were working together, in the Defence Corps. We’d been together in Afghanistan, too. Couldn’t prise us apart.” John smiled, and Felicity saw the boys that had run across the beach together, from his mind to hers, in the Jaeger. The beach had morphed into a desert, which had morphed into a city. They’d been inseparable, until they weren’t. “Andy always wanted us to try out for the Jaeger program. I could barely look at them after I lost him.”

“I’m sorry,” Felicity whispered. He shook his head. The ghost of a smile lingered on his face, and with his eyes safely locked on her hands Felicity let her gaze wander. They said he ran into Kaiju attack zones when everyone else was fleeing. Listening to the too-even tone of his voice and looking at the scars on his arms, she could believe it.

“I wasn’t sure that it would work when I asked the Admiral to test us out, Felicity.” It stung, bizarrely, Felicity’s eyes squeezing shut for a brief moment. “I thought I’d drag you down.”

She couldn’t stop the humourless laugh that escaped her. “You? Drag me down?”

John met her eyes again, and she faltered. _I’ll never be able to win an argument with this guy_ , she thought. _Not with those eyes_. “I thought I’d bring him in there with us,” he said. “I thought it – it would be too much.” He reached out again, slower this time, and grasped her hand in his. “You kept me grounded, Felicity. What I saw in you, it let me focus. Stay calm.”

Felicity let out a shaky breath she didn’t realise she’d been holding. She swallowed the lump rising in her throat. “John – ”

“I know you’re scared. I know it’s daunting, and there’s an unbelievable amount of pressure, and it’s only going to get harder from here. But I believe in you.” He squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back, a tear escaping her and rolling down her cheek. He brushed it away, and she leaned into his touch. “I believe in us.”

Felicity smiled. She looked up at the Jaeger.

“I believe in us too.”


	2. twenty stitches in a hospital room

John winced as Felicity pressed the towel a little too firmly to his head. “Ow. Felicity. Ow.”

She huffed, taking the towel away and picking up a bottle of antiseptic from the metal tray. “You’ve fought Kaiju, John, I think you can deal with a little medical care.” She squirted the cream onto her finger and dabbed it onto his head wound. He tried his hardest not to grimace, and judging by the angry look he received in return, failed miserably.

“I’m sorry, Felicity.”

Her blonde ponytail smacked him in the shoulder as she turned away, rummaging loudly through a drawer before pulling out an alarmingly large needle and a roll of thick thread. John’s eyes widened.

“Felicity, shouldn’t – shouldn’t we wait for, y’know, the doctor…”

She was already preparing the needle, and he bit his lip, deciding to trust his instincts and let her patch him up. Or mutilate him. Whichever she was planning to do.

The injection of anaesthetic was only a pinch, and she started to work slowly. John watched the frown fall away and the anxious, angry lines fade, replaced by the knitted brow and slight squint that appeared whenever she lost herself in a task. He’d seen that exact look on her face while they studied their performance logs – she fervently reviewed every fight, practise or training exercise they performed in exhaustive detail, with a zeal he wished was born from anything other than her persistent self-doubt – or worked with Gottlieb and Geiszler studying the Kaiju physiology. A warm feeling crept over him at being important enough to command her focus so completely. It was followed immediately by guilt; mostly for getting hurt to begin with, and only a little for enjoying her attention.

“Felicity.”

She started a little, flashing him a warning look. “Don’t distract me,” she muttered. “I’ll mess up your head and you’ll look like Frankenstein’s monster.”

He chuckled. “I’m sorry.” He paused for a moment. “It’s important.”

“Important enough to risk a truly hideous scar?” Her voice was clipped.

“Yes.”

Her eyes flickered to his. “On your head be it,” she muttered. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth in concentration – or was that frustration? – and his eyes lingered on her mouth a few moments too long.

“I’m sorry.” She pursed her mouth but let him go on. “I let them get to me, and I threw the first punch. It was my fault.”

Felicity wasn’t naturally impulsive, he knew. He’d felt the doubt and the fear that coursed through her when doing anything she hadn’t thoroughly planned for. It was something they had in common, usually, and knowing that she disapproved – that she was disappointed in him – hurt more than he wanted to admit. More than he wanted her to find out during their next drift, certainly.

She sighed, her hands stilling as she closed her eyes for a moment. “They’re idiots, John.” The terseness was gone from her voice and John let out a breath. “They’ve been idiots since they arrived, and they’ll continue to be idiots as long as they’re here. And then they’ll go off and be idiots wherever they end up after this.”

She was always more optimistic than John. He thought in terms of _if_ where she stayed resolutely on _when_.

“They’ve trained a lot longer than me and they’re not going to be my biggest fans,” she continued, her voice dropping a little lower. “You can’t beat up everyone here who thinks badly of me. There’s not enough hours in the day.”

His eyes snapped up to hers and she must have read the shock in them.

“People talk, John. I know what they were saying.”

The rage he’d felt earlier rose in his throat again. The last few times they’d drifted, he’d begun to feel the fear and the hesitation slip away; she was beginning to see how good she was. She was starting to realise just how much she was capable of. John wished he’d hit the smug bastards harder.

He opened his mouth, a myriad of reassurances and apologies whirling in his head and fighting to come out, but halted when he saw her smile. He’d never seen a smile like hers. It baffled him that anyone could see that smile and think a single bad thing about her.

“It’s nice that you want to stand up for me.” She was blushing, John realised dazedly. There was a flush to her cheeks and he felt himself begin to match it. “But you don’t have to. I can take care of myself.”

John laughed and Felicity met his eyes with that same dazzling smile. “What? What’s funny?”

Maybe he was dizzy from the fight or the painkillers. Maybe her eyes weren’t really that blue. “I know you can take care of yourself. And you know I can take care of myself. But you’re still stitching up my forehead.”

Felicity wrinkled her nose and ducked her head. _Definitely blushing_ , John thought. She took a deep breath as she finished off the stitches, dabbing gently at the wound and looking it over critically. “I can get the doctor to redo it if you want,” she murmured. “He’d probably do it straighter.”

John smiled and took her hand, tugging her forward to sit next to him. He entwined his fingers with hers, and his breath caught in his throat as she settled her head on his shoulder.

“I was worried about you,” she whispered. “There was a lot of blood.”

John’s stomach churned, and he tentatively reached up with his free hand to stroke her hair. “I’m sorry, Felicity. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“S’OK.” She nestled closer to him. “We’re partners. We’ve got to take care of each other.”

With a smile, John turned his head, pressing his lips to her hair in a soft kiss. She smelled like vanilla and Kaiju Blue. “Next time you need it, I’ll patch you up. Promise.”


	3. i would wait forever and ever

The sun was blazing, glinting off the remains of the ruined buildings and the glass that littered the street. Felicity raised an arm to her eyes to shield them, wincing as a sharp pain ran through her ribs. _Probably broken_ , she though absently. _Difficult to breathe but not impossible. Lightheaded but not dizzy, no concussion. Only a little blood. You’re OK. You’ll live._

She reached for her neck and rubbed it gingerly, digging her hands in the tight space between the suit and her skin. She wished she could get the suit off by herself. It was too heavy and too difficult to move in. And she needed to find John.

Her eyes darted all around her, her entire body tensing every time she looked at the Kaiju lying motionless only a few streets away. She’d blasted a hole through its chest and thrown it clear of their Jaeger before it had collapsed, those last staggering movements fuelled by pure anger. She’d lost him. They’d kept it away as long as they could, leading it on a merry chase around the perimeter of the city, but it was a Category 4. Once the Kaiju had hold of them, it had ripped through their Jaeger like it was tissue paper. Through the haze of pain, Felicity had felt John grasping for her, and the next second he was gone.

“John!” Her throat ached and her voice was hoarse, but it rang through the empty streets like a siren. “John! Answer me!”

They told her later that the rescue team was there within the hour, but it felt like she searched for him for days. She found him at last in the shadow of what used to be the First National Bank of Tokyo, rubble covering his legs and tiny cuts littering his face.

“Can you hear me?” She cradled his face with both her hands, tenderly brushing away the glass and soot and leaning forward to press kisses to every bit of skin she could reach. It wasn’t until she drew away and saw the tears on his face that she realised she was crying. “John? I need you to wake up. Please, please John. Wake up.”

She stroked his face and squeezed his hands until she felt him squeeze back, felt the pulse in his neck grow stronger and saw his eyes flutter open. She pressed firmly on his chest when he tried to move.

“No, don’t. You’re hurt, you have to stay still.”

He met her eyes and frowned, reaching up to cup her face and gently, so gently it made her chest ache, ran his thumb across her cheek.

“Felicity…are you hurt? Are you OK?”

Felicity nodded even as her face crumbled, lowering herself to wrap her arms around him, resting her face on the cold metal of his suit and sobbing. “I’m fine, I’m fine. As long as you’re OK then I’m fine. I’m OK, John.”

They stayed like that, her whispering nonsense into his shoulder and him stroking her hair, until the ambulance arrived. They seemed to crawl to the hospital, slowing down every few minutes to manoeuvre around fallen debris and – Felicity realised with a jolt – the fallen Kaiju. John chuckled weakly behind his oxygen mask when Felicity barked at the driver to hurry up. She glared daggers at the doctor when he asked her to let go of John’s hand so he could administer an IV.

The hospital was overwhelmed with people when they finally arrived, but they were hurried through when the receptionist realised they were the Jaeger pilots who brought the monster down. Felicity stood at John’s side and watched as unfamiliar doctors worked on him, prising off the heavy suit and wrapping stark white bandages over practically every inch of exposed skin. Her fingers itched; neither of them had been treated by anyone other than each other for the injuries they’d sustained (earned, John would say) in the Jaeger. She hated seeing strangers do her job.

Watching him be taken care of was tantamount, however, and she refused to leave, only taking a seat and letting herself be examined after John shot her a pointed look. _I knew I’d never be able to say no to those eyes_ , she thought. They wheeled in an extra bed at some point, and once the doctors were gone Felicity dragged it as close to John’s as she could, grasping his hand and feeling the tension drain from her body at the steady sound of his heart monitor. She watched him sleep for a long time before closing her own eyes, never letting his hand drop from hers.

She dreamed of Kaiju, as she always did, and John was there, as he always was. This time, she was grasping his hand in hers as he was wrenched away, and she felt her fingers become slick with blood before he disappeared into the darkness.

She woke with a start, her breathing shallow and pain shooting through her body. It was pitch black outside, but she knew she wouldn’t get back to sleep. A low moan escaped her as she sat upright; she’d been injured in battle before, even knocked unconscious once, but never so severely. She felt damaged beyond repair. She felt weak.

“Hey.”

Her head whipped around at the sound of John’s voice, and she cried out in pain, reaching up to cup the back of her neck. John’s eyes widened and he began to struggle upright, before Felicity held up a hand and scooted closer to press on his shoulder and force him back down.

“No, no, I’m OK. It’s just bruised. Lie down. Lie back.”

He did as she said, and she kept her hand on his shoulder, rubbing small circles into the muscle. She knew she was gripping him too hard, but she couldn’t make herself stop.

“I’m so sorry, John,” she whispered. “I’m so, so sorry. I almost – I almost lost you. I’m sorry.”

He shushed her, reaching up to stroke her arm and eventually grasping her elbow and drawing her closer. She crawled across the divide between the beds and settled next to him. She laid her arm across his stomach, tucking her head under his chin and crying softly onto his chest. He wrapped both arms around her firmly, and Felicity was sure he must be in pain. Every bone in her body ached and he was hurt so much worse than her.

“Don’t move,” he said, as if he could read her mind. _Maybe he can_ , Felicity thought, closing her eyes and breathing in his scent. _Maybe we’ve drifted so much we’re in each other’s heads all the time, even when we’re not in a Jaeger_. “Don’t move. Stay with me.”

“Always,” she whispered. She raised her head to look him in the eye – his beautiful eyes – and, stealing a little of his courage, leaned forward to press her lips against his. He was still for one breathtaking moment, then caressed her cheek and pulled her closer against him.

His eyes were closed as they broke apart, his hand hovering at her cheek. “Felicity.” The reverence in his voice made her shiver.

“John?”

He opened his eyes and met hers.

“I love you.”

Felicity smiled.

“I love you too.”


End file.
